i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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