Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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