put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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