I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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