i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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