Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
