You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
