Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
