I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
