I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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