nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
