I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
