Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
