Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
