I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
