I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
