I'm so fucking centered right now
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
that is very illegal...i love you.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
