I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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