What a fucking waste of an outfit
My liver just broke up with me...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
