Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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