i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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