it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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