When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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