I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
