FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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