My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
