Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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