The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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