Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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