My friends, they love my intelligence
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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