I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
