I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
