theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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