remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
