Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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