Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
ttyl tear gas
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
