i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I don't deserve a penis
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
