I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
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