don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
too bad you live with your parents still
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
