I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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