Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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