K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
