saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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