she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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