im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
