we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you have to choose: penises or morals?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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