y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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