If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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