Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
