There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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