you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
