I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
