my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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