Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
