Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
