is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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