He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
