It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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