Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
