yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize