Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize