Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
