I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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