I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
