Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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