I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
