i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize