WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
