I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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