I am puke
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
