You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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