I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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