i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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