see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
